Tag Archives: Funny

Found Garage Bill

One of the sites I look at regularly by subscribing to the feed in Google Reader is Found Magazine, which asks people to send in shopping lists, photos and other bits and pieces that they found on the street, in second-hand books, and stuck at the back of drawers in dusty old furniture.

I found what I thought would be a good item out on Tooting Bec Common – what appeared to be a list of work to be done on someones car, written by someone with a poor grasp of written English. I scanned it, sent it in, and waited. I thought they’d ignored it, but I guess they just have a lot of submissions, because suddenly here it is!

Lots of dim comments from people who don’t know about, and couldn’t be bothered to google Tooting Bec.

Taste Can Be Bought

Westie Anniversary Clock

Someone gave me this cutting from a TV listings magazine. It is an advert for the most fabulous object in the world. The goal of everybody’s hopes and dreams. From the lovingly crafted brass westies that wouldn’t go round in a little circle, but would in fact swing back and forth, in such a way that would cause a real dog to throw up on the carpet, to the lovingly bought-in-China-by-the-thousand-for-50p-each battery-powered mechanisms, everything about this item shrieks out at the top of it’s lungs out to your friends and acquaintances that you are a person of taste and discretion.

The advert doesn’t say what anniversary this is applicable to. The Anniversary of the Battle Of Culloden? The Death of Alexander III? The Clearances?

Pink and Blasphemous

I’ve made a terrifying discovery. Leafing through the 2007 UK IKEA catalogue or ‘Necronomicon’ as it shall henceforth be known, I found proof that Cthulhu no longer waits dreaming, but has arisen.

As you know, the blasphemous incantation or ritual chanted by noisome cults in the lesser-known parts of the world is, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn“. But using the latest in linguistic technology, I believe I have translated this language into something if not entirely pronounceable by the human throat, at least closer to this dimension. I should assure you that I worked on one syllable at a time, with several days feverish rest between each one, so as not to be driven mad by the awesome truth I was unfolding.

Here in it’s loathsome entirety is the full incantation. I know I should not write this, but I feel compelled, as if shapeless forces unseen but faintly felt, are driving me toward the precipice of human experience I know it will reveal.

Original: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

Translation: Poäng malmnätt Cthulhu Rulla galejnandor fartyg.

Cthulhu no longer fhtagn!

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu Ikea wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Reality Copies Fiction (Well, A Webcomic Copies Bash.org)

You remember how in this chat transcript posted to bash.org years ago, someone called HatfulOfHollow invented the concept of a machine that will stab people in the face over the internet?

Well, the characters in Achewood have only gone and done it! Check out the story…

Do we hope Nice Pete is alright? He’s a good artist.

BMW Theory

In lieu of a proper blog post, here is a theory or rule I have been developing.

As all right-thinking people know, all BMWs are driven by wankers.

The BMW M5 and M3 are BMW 5-series and 3-series which have been tweaked and made all sporty: they are a special kind of BMW. It therefore stands to reason that they are driven by a special kind of wanker.

By the same token, the BMW X5 is a 4-wheel-drive SUV kind of BMW. The ‘X’, I think, stands for ‘Xtreme’. Therefore, it’s a pretty good bet that if you see a BMW X5, it is being driven by an extreme wanker.

That is the sum total of my theory, and I am sorry to have wasted your time.

Disclosure: I know, or am related to, people that drive BMWs. Sorry, you know how it is. But I’m sure they would agree with the X5 theory.

Some Kind Of Comedian

One of the Carltons most sought-after stars is a chap called Ian Ward, who has often been told that he should go a become a stand-up comedian. Well, he took the advice, and went and became one. I went to see him and several other acts a few weeks ago, at The Ship in Borough (phenomenal reviews, eh?).

Ian has a blog here, which has the tagline, “Quantity guaranteed…” (!). He also has a video on Google Video here, which gives a good idea of his style of comedy. However, when I saw him he had obviously honed his material and style and so on, because he was hilarious. Now I like to think I’m a good audience member for comedy, because I enjoy being made to laugh, and it’s possible to get me to howl if the material and the timing is right. Mairi has also told me I pound tables when the hysterics take me, but I wouldn’t know. Too busy laughing.

The audience in the overlit upstairs room in the pub consisted mainly of friends of Ian, and also of the other acts, who were all just starting out (I think, and in some cases, hope). So there was a certain amount of immediate sympathy. But they needn’t have worried! Most of the acts were great, and I hope that the good ones continue and do more.

Ian himself came on second, and his material is basically the kind of thing he talks about normally. A bit sick in places, which doesn’t bother me, but which got a couple of winces from the crowd. But he was really good and funny and I hope he does more.

The most accomplished and experienced act of the night was a double act by the name of Amphlett and Candy, who look like Michael Nesmith without the hat working as a supply teacher, and Reese Shearsmith crossed with a Blue Meanie. They made me laugh and laugh – they reminded me of the League of Gentlemen and Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, but totally original in their way. I was forced to say thank you in the bar afterwards.

Sadly there was a downside to the evening, in the shape of the compere. I don’t know where they found her, but she had this amazing knack of killing whatever atmosphere had been built up by the acts stone dead. She didn’t just link the acts, she rambled and wittered on, and I think she thought she was doing some standup herself. But really, shut up, get off, and lets get the next act on. I almost feel guilty for writing such vitriol, but it was embarassing, presumptuous and annoying.

But all in all it was a good night, especially as I got to see many people I haven’t seen in a while and get drunk with them. Hi to you all, and sorry (just in case).

Electric Haywain

From the archives, here’s another book with the wrong style of cover.


The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe, alternative cover

Mr Homer’s Odyssey

Finally got round to doing another of these – books with the wrong style of cover.


The Odyssey by Homer, alternative cover

Alternative Bookcovers

I’m all confused about where these have been posted, so here they all are from Flickr.

What happens when a book cover design doesn’t match the style of the contents? This does.

Mein Girly Kampf Mein Kampf in Chicklit style
The Very Hungry Caterpillar Thriller Kids book in Thriller style
Mixed-up bookcovers Necronomicon in Dictionary style
Mixed-up bookcovers American Psycho in Teen Romance Style

UPDATE: Boing Boing posted this link to a gallery of alternative book covers.

UPDATE 2: February 2009 – There are several galleries of films and videogames, designed as if they were books in a cool retro style.

A Burning Issue – Another Script From Another Era

This here is a script that emerged from the pupal shell of the sessions we had back in late 2001, and utterly failed to take off and fly. It’s actually OK, in a simplistic ‘cheap-Radio-4-sketch-show’ kind of way. The ending is bad, but what do you want? Comedy Gold? Blood?

A Burning Issue