The Carlton Pantomime 2005 – The Full Script!

From the vaults, I present the polished-up script for the Carlton Dramatic Society Pantomime for the 2005 Xmas party. This was written by Kristen McGorry and I, and performed by a bunch of miscreants, some of whom are named in the script.

This is a combination of two very British things – the nativity play in the style told by a primary or elementary school, and the raucous pantomime (and that’s pantomime in the British silly naughty play sense, not just the “mime” sense). In this case, there were no children watching, so we played the crude stuff as hard as possible.

Just for information, I used the fantastic free script editing software Trelby to format the script, then export it in the beautiful, simple Fountain text script format, which is then displayed here in WordPress using the WP Scrippets plugin, which allows chunks of Fountain-formatted script to be included and formatted.

Anyway here it is. I present:

THE NAVITITTY

or

NO ROOM IN THE INN

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM

We are at a school nativity play. The real-life actual audience are taking the place of the parents forced to come and see the play. The “children” have written the play themselves, as is made clear by the quality.

All the “children” must keep picking their noses, and all the dialogue (apart from the TEACHER) must be in a monotone and stilted. Actions should be broad and wooden. Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

The TEACHER comes to the front of the stage and smiles at the assembled audience of proud parents

TEACHER

Welcome to Carlton Junior School for the Educationally Challenged’s first nativity play. It is nice to see so many parents here tonight eager to support their little ones. Just a few notices before we start. Due to unforeseen circumstances the part of Nervous Shepherd will now be played by Wayne Whiteside, Wayne Whiteside’s previous part, Innkeeper number 3, will be taken by Faye Wey. Faye Wey’s original role of Carrots, will now be played by a teddy on a piece of string due to Faye’s little accident in the donkey suit. Vladimir Petty-Stewart refused the small role we offered him on the basis it wasn’t worth his bus fare for three lines. Please can I ask you not to take flash photography as it will startle the children and could cause them to stampede. Especially if they are on medication. And please turn off your mobile phones – no-one’s impressed any more. So without further ado from me, I would like to encourage you to settle back and try to enjoy our Christmas story. Please bear in mind that the children have written this themselves so it’s not going to be that good. No point giving you false expectations. It gives me great pleasure... erm, well, I present No Room In The Inn!

She starts the clapping. TEACHER steps to the side, but is always ready to narrate or step in to move kids into position.

Scene settings from now on are literal, rather than saying “INT. A SCHOOL GYMNASIUM WITH A SHEET HUNG UP TO LOOK LIKE SOMETHING ELSE” which would get tedious very quickly, even more so than the play itself. So...

INT. A COUNCIL FLAT IN NAZARETH

The Virgin MARY enters, with JOSEPH in tow.

MARY

Hello. My name is Virgin Mary. I live with Joseph and we love each other very much.

She pulls JOSEPH towards her and kisses him, which he finds deeply disgusting.

JOSEPH

(Sullenly)

I am Joseph and I live with the Virgin Mary in a council flat in Nazareth on account of us not being married. Goodbye Mary I am going to work now. Bye.

MARY

OK Joseph have a nice day making shelves. And don’t talk to strangers!

JOSEPH leaves. MARY potters around the house.

I will kill Joseph; he’s always leaving his socks on the bedroom floor.

(She is startled)

Ohhhh!

The angel GABRIEL enters, turns off the light and enters with a torch under his face. He always faces the wrong way and has to be moved into position by the teacher.

GABRIEL

(In a spooky voice and waving his arms around like a ghost)

Whoooooooo Behold, I am the angel Gabriel.

MARY

That’s a girl’s name

GABRIEL

No it isn’t. Virgin Mary you are with child. This is the will of God. Go to Bethlehemalemalem and await further instructions.

MARY

Why?

GABRIEL

Because I am God’s messenger and I said so.

MARY

Why couldn’t he come himself?

GABRIEL

(dropping his spooky voice)

He’s busy. Whoooooooo!

He leaves and turns the light back on. JOSEPH enters

JOSEPH

Hello Virgin MARY. Have you washed my socks by night?

MARY

Joseph, Joseph I was visited by angel Gabriel. He says we have to go to Bethlehemalemalem.

JOSEPH

OK

MARY

Oh and I’m up the duff.

They leave

TEACHER

(Reading from the script as written by the children)

After the identity of the father of Virgin Mary’s child was established by a DNA test like with my mummy...

(looks around)

Who wrote this rubbish?

(Shakes her head)

Mary and Joseph set out for Bethlehemalemalem... I mean Bethlehem straightaway at once.

EXT. SHEPHERDS’ PART OF THE DESERT

Meanwhile in the desert... Enter the Two SHEPHERDS and their very pissed off SHEEP. They sit down and pretend to warm themselves on the fire. They sing.

SHEPHERDS AND SHEEP

(singing)

While Shepherds watched their turnip tops,

All boiling in a pot,

An angel of the lord came down,

And ate the flippin lot

SHEPHERD 1

Blimey it’s a bit cold tonight

SHEPHERD 2

But aren’t we in the middle of the dessert?

(pronounced “dessert”)

SHEPHERD 1

Yeah but its December.

SHEPHERD 2

How come there’s 2 of us, but only one sheep? Maybe we should get another.

SHEEP

(in a broad Cardiff accent)

You can’t! I’m the only sheep in the village.

[[This is a reference to the Little Britain one-note gay joke that was popular at the time. Aiming low, we were.]]

SHEPHERD 2

I didn’t see that one coming!

SHEEP

I wanted to be Mary!

GABRIEL enters as before

GABRIEL

(In a spooky voice)

Whoooooooo Behold, I am the angel Gabriel.

SHEPHERD 2

That’s a girl’s name

GABRIEL

No it isn’t! A child is to be born in Bethlehemlemmelm. Go there and give him stuff this is the will of God.

SHEPHERD 1

Why?

GABRIEL

Otherwise I will smite you.

He leaves

SHEPHERD 1

How far is Bethlehem?

SHEPHERD 2

One million miles!

SHEPHERD 1

Better get a move on then if we are going to get there before Christmas. Come on Sheep.

SHEEP sticks two fingers up at the Shepherds. SHEEP and SHEPHERDS exit.

EXT. WISE MEN’S PART OF THE DESERT

The three WISE MEN enter and pretend to walk across the stage. One of them is wearing a Spiderman mask. The TEACHER enters at the side.

TEACHER

Meanwhile in another part of the dessert, three wise men, Casper, Melchior, and ...

(frowns at script)

...Spiderman were playing at home in Leyton Orient.

[[Leyton Orient is a football team. Boom. Gold.]]

The 3 kings sing. The Kings Singers! Ahahaha ah ha

[[There was a group called the Kings Singers. Folky stuff. 60’s I think. Maybe 50’s.]]

THREE KINGS

(singing)

We three Kings of Orient are,

One in a taxi, one in a car,

One on a scooter, beeping his hooter,

Following yonder star.

CASPER

My name is Casper the friendly ghost and I am very wise. There are 386 Pokemon.

MELCHIOR

My name is Melchior and I am also very wise. I have six uncles and no dad. And sometimes they stay the night, don’t they mummy?

He waves at his mum. Pick someone who would be embarrassed, implying they are a tart. So many to choose from!

SPIDERMAN

I’m Spiderman! Pshew!

(striking pose and doing web-fluid noise – ref “Matt Damon!”)

The angel Gabriel enters with a torch and turns off the light

GABRIEL

(In a spooky voice)

Whoooooooo Behold, I am the angel Gabriel.

CASPER

We know. A child is to be born in Bethlehem. Go there and give him stuff this is the will of God.

GABRIEL

How did you...?

MELCHIOR

We told you we are wise.

SPIDERMAN

I used my spidey sense! Pshew!

(strikes pose again)

GABRIEL leaves. The three turn to each other.

CASPER

What shall we do? We have no gifts.

MELCHIOR

It’s OK. I stopped at the 24 hour garage and picked up some stuff on our way from Leyton Orient. Behold, I have something for everyone.

(He hands out the gifts)

All Gold, Frankenstein ... and More!

(He hands out a box of Terry’s All Gold chocolates, something to do with Frankenstein (a DVD?) and keeps a plastic carrier bag full of other stuff (aka More!))

CASPER

Follow that Star!

The two wise men point in different directions look at each other, then CASPER adjusts himself and points the same way as MELCHIOR. Exit THREE KINGS.

TEACHER

(getting drunk on sherry as the show wears on)

And lo Gabriel’s job was done and God said he was free to go off on his annual skiing holiday as long as he left a contact number in case of an emergency. MARY and JOSEPH were heading to Bethlehem on their donkey but it was very busy due to it being nearly Christmas and late night shopping and everything.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF BETHLEHEM

MARY and JOSEPH enter. MARY has a cushion up her top. This is to simulate the gestating foetus. JOSEPH is dragging a donkey (or a teddy etc) on a piece of string. They sing.

MARY AND JOSEPH

(singing)

Little donkey, little donkey

on the dusty road

mumble mumble mumble mumble

mumble with a Toad!

MARY

Are we nearly there yet?

JOSEPH

No. There are many roads and we must always stop and look both ways before crossing. We crossed the road to Domestos, all the roads from Leeds to Rome, the road to Manderley and the road to Perdition.

MARY

JOSEPH I am really tired, the baby is kicking and I really fancy a Kit-Kat.

JOSEPH

We shall stop at this inn

JOSEPH knocks on the door. INNKEEPER 1 answers it

INNKEEPER 1

Yes?

JOSEPH

Innkeeper. We have travelled all the way from Nazareth to Bethlehemalemahem, my wife is with a child and we are tired. Do you have any room at your inn?

INNKEEPER 1 looks terrified – she has forgotten her line. Extended bit here as she comes close to tears as the TEACHER tries to prompt her by mouthing “No” and gesticulating.

INNKEEPER 1

No

INNKEEPER 1 shuts the door

JOSEPH

Come on MARY we must try somewhere else or we will have nowhere to stay.

MARY

Look at my face. Do I look bothered?

[[This is a hilarious reference to a television sketch show catchphrase of the day. Again, aiming low.]]

JOSEPH and MARY do the ‘walking on the spot’ thing to go to the next inn, which is the same inn. JOSEPH knocks on the door. INNKEEPER 2, played by the same person with a different beard answers it.

INNKEEPER 2

Yes?

JOSEPH

Innkeeper. We have travelled all the way from Nazareth to Bethlehem, my wife is with a child and we are tired. Do you have any room at your inn?

INNKEEPER 2

Yes!

(TEACHER corrects her)

INNKEEPER 2

No

INNKEEPER 2 shuts the door. JOSEPH and MARY do the ‘walking on the spot’ thing to go to the next inn, which is the same inn. JOSEPH knocks on the door of the 3rd inn. INNKEEPER 3, same person again with a different beard answers it.

INNKEEPER 3

Yes?

JOSEPH

Innkeeper. We have travelled all the way from Nazareth to Bethlehem my wife is with a child and we are tired do you have any room at your inn?

INNKEEPER 3

Hang on a minute.

(Does some calculations behind her back and brings out an abacus. Or if we can’t get a prop, just say ‘Computer’)

The Abacus says no.

[[This is a hilarious reference to another bloody sketch show catchphrase that was popular at the time. Seriously, we were clutching at straws.]]

INNKEEPER 3 shuts the door. JOSEPH and MARY do the ‘walking on the spot’ thing to go to the next inn, which is the same inn.

JOSEPH

Never mind MARY. It’s lucky there are so many inns on Bethlehem High Street. And they’re all open 24 hours a day!

[[This is social commentary about licensing.]]

MARY

I bet I won’t be allowed to smoke though.

[[This is also social commentary.]]

JOSEPH knocks on the door. A NICE INNKEEPER answers it. Same person again.

NICE INNKEEPER

Well hello there, how can I help?

JOSEPH

(in one breath)

Innkeeper we have travelled all the way from Nazareth to Bethlehem my wife is with a child we are tired do you have any room at your inn?

NICE INNKEEPER

Have you booked?

JOSEPH

I meant to but...

NICE INNKEEPER

I’m sorry, we’re completely full. The Derbyshires are having a small get-together, with marquee, indoor regatta, full orchestra and performing midgets. On ponies.

[[This is a cross between a private joke, satire, and sour grapes.]]

JOSEPH turns away.

JOSEPH

Fine, MARY’ll just have to give birth in the street then.

Audience says Ahhh

NICE INNKEEPER

So your wife’s up the duff then? I thought she was just really fat.

(mutters to MARY)

I wanted to be MARY.

JOSEPH

Yes, it’s God’s apparently.

NICE INNKEEPER

How did that happen?

JOSEPH

She sat on a boy’s toilet seat.

NICE INNKEEPER

I thought it happened when a man and a woman love each other very much and they lie down together and the man inserts his ...

As the innkeeper starts to describe and demonstrate the teacher rushes in and grabs her and takes her off gives her a stern talking to. MARY and JOSEPH pick their noses. The innkeeper comes back sullenly. She is made to apologise to the audience.

TEACHER

What do you say to the nice people?

NICE INNKEEPER

(by rote)

Sex is dirty and wrong and you shouldn’t talk about it until you are married.

(back to the script!)

Look, I have a knockthrough stable out back. I can move the team of oxen my wife uses to take our child to the school two minutes round the corner, and you can kip in there.

[[This is satire about SUVs.]]

There are some cows and pigs there as well.

JOSEPH

Why?

NICE INNKEEPER

Where do you think beef flavour crisps and pork scratchings come from? Just mind the hooks in the ceiling.

JOSEPH

(Going down on his knees in gratitude)

Thank you kind innkeeper your kindness and generosity has saved us.

NICE INNKEEPER

No problem. Do you want full English in the morning? I’ll stick it on your tab.

JOSEPH

Yeah cheers

INT. STABLE

TEACHER

Due to the Innkeepers kindness, MARY and JOSEPH had a place to sleep. But there was a problem!

JOSEPH

Innkeeper, there’s no bed! There’s just loads of dry grass.

NICE INNKEEPER

That’s ex-“straw”-dinary. Hay! Wheat a minute.

[[Jeez]]

I know! There’s a lowly carpenter who is always in my inn. I’m sure he’d be able to knock something up. I have heard he is both efficient and reasonably priced.

TEACHER

So JOSEPH went and paid the lowly carpenter. The lowly carpenter then stayed up all night, with no help from anyone, and made a wonderful bed out of 2×4 and nails. And for good measure he added a row of sinks and an en-suite toilet.

[[This was an affectionate nod to Mike T, who always did amazing things with 2×4 and nails for sets.]]

NICE INNKEEPER

Here you go, and if you need an extra pillow, there’s some cowpats there.

The innkeeper leaves

MARY

It smells in here

JOSEPH

Stop complaining

MARY

Where’s my kit-kat

JOSEPH

They haven’t been invented yet.

MARY

We should paint this room. And get new curtains. I’ve got some colour charts here what do you think JOSEPH? I thought the green or perhaps the pink, and what about lamps, JOSEPH? As for curtains I’ve been thinking and I got these cloth samples. You’ll need to – JOSEPH are you listening to me?

JOSEPH

Yes!

MARY

What was I saying then?

JOSEPH

Something about ... paint.

TEACHER

And so the couple settled down in their new home and praised their good fortune as the beautiful Snowflake fairy covered Bethlehem with a layer of pure white magic.

A girl in a tutu, the SNOWFLAKE FAIRY, comes out and does very bad ballet to the Sugar Plum Fairy.

SNOWFLAKE FAIRY

(mouthing whilst dancing)

I wanted to be MARY!

Dance ends

TEACHER

(Starts clapping)

That was Ruthie Brooks, daughter of our School Governor and Chair of the Parent Teacher Association and Budgeting Committee, Mrs Emiline Waldorf-Brooks. Wasn’t she lovely everybody? A round of applause for Ruthie there.

(Teacher really claps and grins, scared for her budget)

And so it came to pass that MARY had the baby even though it was only a couple of days since the angel Gabriel had visited her. God works in mysterious ways.

MARY

(Going into labour.)

JOSEPH it hurts! Hold my hand.

(She grabs his hand.)

JOSEPH

Ewwwwww. Get off.

MARY pants and screams and thrashes about. She is really milking her part

JOSEPH

(Awkwardly patting her head)

Calm down dear. It’s only childbirth.

The SHEPHERDS and SHEEP enter

SHEPHERD 1

Hello. Are you Mr MARY and JOSEPH?

JOSEPH

Yes who are you?

SHEPHERD 2

We are the shepherds, Ant and Dec.

[[This is a reference to the popular TV presenters of the time. It is a hilarious reference.]]

MARY

Which is which?

SHEPHERD 2

We don’t know.

SHEPHERD 1

The angel Gabriel sent us, cos of the baby.

JOSEPH

Oh, she’s not had it yet. Come back in about an hour.

SHEPHERD 1

OK.

MARY

And get me a Kit-Kat!

TEACHER

And so the baby Jesus was born ... what’s the matter?

(The sheep is tugging at her)

SHEEP

(with a serious face)

Miss, MARY’s lost the baby

TEACHER

What oh my god. How?!

SHEEP

She left it on the bus

TEACHER

(relieved)

Well you’ll have to improvise.

SHEEP

Yes Miss.

(Muttering)

If I’d been MARY I wouldn’t have left the baby Jesus on the bus.

TEACHER

And so the baby was born.

MARY takes pillow from under top. JOSEPH takes it and throws it off stage. An action man is thrown back, which he catches.

JOSEPH

Hey that’s mine!

SHEEP

(from behind the screen)

I think you’ll find that it’s Gods.

MARY enters

MARY

Ah my beautiful baby. Give it ere

The WISE MEN enter.

CASPER

You are Mr Virgin MARY and JOSEPH

JOSEPH

Yeah I know

(like on Little Britain)

[[This is a hilarious reference to a popular sketch catchphrase of the day. In case you were wondering, this went through several drafts.]]

MELCHIOR

We are 3 Wise Men from Leyton Orient. We have travelled a far to bring you these gifts.

CASPER

All Gold, Frankenstein – and More!

MARY

More what?

SPIDERMAN

(Checks in plastic bag)

Just more

The shepherds and pissed off sheep enter

SHEPHERD 1

They didn’t have any Kit-Kats so we got you a Big Mac.

MARY

Great, I’ll give the baby that for breakfast.

JOSEPH

(out of character, to audience)

Social commentary or Snobbery? You be the judge!

SHEPHERD 2

And this sheep

(pushes sheep forwards)

SHEEP

Up your bum!

SHEPHERD 1

You are our gift to the baby. The choice is yours. It’s either that or lamb chops.

JOSEPH

I fancy a nice juicy rack...of lamb!

All laugh, including the audience, I’ll bet. The Snowflake fairy enters.

SNOWFLAKE FAIRY

And I the Snowflake Fairy bring you the gift of peas on earth and good will to all men.

SHEEP

I don’t like peas

SPIDERMAN

(Giggling)

She said peas...

SNOWFLAKE FAIRY

And the gift of dance.

She starts to dance again. Everyone starts to grumble. MARY shouts and she stops dancing.

MARY

I’m MARY pay attention to me. Thank you everyone for the presents, although to be honest you could have brought something a bit more useful, like some Burberry nappies, or a Gucci pram. And how am I supposed to get back to size 6 again by next week with All Gold?

SPIDERMAN

Sorry. So what are you going to call the baby?

MARY

(Religious pause)

I was thinking of ....Streatham. After where he was conceived.

The assembled cast mutter their approval of the name. GABRIEL enters and does the torch thing

GABRIEL

Whoooooooooooo, you shall call the baby Jesus

JOSEPH

OK.

(gets out his mobile, and presses the buttons)

It’s going through to voicemail.

(or how about)

You have reached the Vatican – If you are having difficulty understanding the concept of immaculate conception press the star key now.

MARY

(In a spooky voice)

I shall call the baby Jesus.

EVERYONE

(Like Ahhhh Bisto)

Ahhhhhh Jesus.

SHEPHERD 1

We should sing a song to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus.

SHEPHERD 2

I know!

(starts singing ‘Happy Birthday’, all join in)

CASPER

Although this is a happy occasion, I am saddened for the future of this child. I predict he has a lifetime of pain and suffering ahead of him.

MELCHIOR

Why?

CASPER

His birthday is on the same day as Christmas, he’s only ever going to get one set of presents!

[[(that joke is now 2005 years old)]]

The cast sing ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’, with an extremely extended ‘Gloooooooooooria’. Keep it going as long as is possible – really go for it.

Then the serious song – ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’, with songsheets!

THE LIVING END!